Reminiscing

I haven't written in this in the longest time...I guess it's because I saw it to be insignificant...but then why did I create this blog in first place? Since the last blog, I have changed and learned more in this journey called life. Recently....I dated a person who I chershied, loved, and prayed for, for 8-9 years. I prayed that he would be happy and that God would lead...For about a year and half, we've been seeing each other somewhat. Due to my parents being against dating, it posed a challenge for me. Do I continue to see him? or just cut it off and hope that fate will put us together again in the future? I, being the vicitim of blind love "followed my heart." I secretly met him and did regretting things with him...I though God had put us together. As I am typing this and just reminiscing, thinking about what to type next, my heart just aches. Like many inexperienced young women say to themselves "I will never let a boy get to me like this," which I've said numerous times, I believed in a man's word. Not God's. Shortly before my rough break up, we decided to wait for each other. He kept telling me how he changed and changed. I didn't believe it and so, decided to meet up with him one more time to see if he really did change. To save myself from unnecessary tears, he didn't. Right there I told him that I didn't like him and that he can't make me happy. Latter, about 5 days or so, I believed that a good friendship could have been maintained between him and me. I texted him seeking somewhat reconiliation and in the end was called arrogant, stupid and pathetic. I realize he was speaking out of anger, and I forgive him. Just....now I can't believe all that time I could have been happy, I saccraficed it. ,my happiness for his. Heartbreaks are so cliche to write about, however people experience them somewhere in the world everyday.....No matter how difficult the situation is to find love, true, agape love is found in Christ. To the women out there, you are beautiful. Truly are. Don't let a man sway you with empty words. God has a plan. Trust him.
And to all my friends who kept telling me that he was no good for me, thank you for putting up with me. I am blessed to have you in my life.
To the person I love(ed). Though this blog may sound bitter, I still love you, as christ would love everyone. I just don' t think that a relationship will be formed easily. sorry.

The realization of true love is the most amazing high anyone can experience. The thing is, not everyone can feel true love. It's often found in lust, intimacy, or replaced feelings. That is why true love is difficult to find. However, with God all things are possible.

I missed it

Lately, I've been wound up in all these things SAT's, AP Tests, grades...everything that seems insignificant to me. I am lost once again. Normally, around this time of year, the cherry blossoms bloom beautifully on my tree in front of ym house. My parents think it is a nuisance to have to clean up all the petals that drop. However, this year I sort of...missed them... The only thing I remember is telling myself " Look the buds are coming out," and today I'm telling myself...they're gone. How could I miss such beauty that is right in front of me? I guess i never really acknowledged the blossom's presence this year. I am focusing on things that are only letters to me. SAT's and AP's...unnecessary. Yet I do it to please my parents. I'm at a loss of words...I see my friends at church growing closer while i isolate myself to study. At school I don't regularly hang out with the people out of school. I'm missing my youth time I guess. This feeling hasn't left me for a while. I've drifted apart from God. Prayer is no longer the base of my life anymore and I hate to admit it but I'm so lonely. I feel...empty. I feel so insignificant. I feel pathetic. I feel like I no longer belong....well that's a bit too extreme, but I feel as if I'm a bird on the ground....staring at the blue sky. The blue seems to almost make my eyes into a clear sky blue. Clouds, that look as if they could be squished. My natural habitat, the sky. But...I can't get up there. No matter how hard I try to fly into the clouds, around the clouds, just to taste the blue I can't. What am I looking for? What have I missed? Unsatisfied. Thirsty. Hungry. God is calling me......... there's no answer yet

Quote from Life Lessons

" If we ask the universe to make us more loving, it may not send loving people to us. Instead, it may bring hard-to-love people into our lives. As we struggle to deal with these people, we have the opportunity to become more loving..." - Life Lessons by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler
One of my favorite books...It is really life changing

Passion Week

This week is my spring break, and I was hoping to get some rest from school, stress, family, from the world haha. Instead I get stressed out parents, church stuff, and take home school work. What is the point of spring break when all school is going to follow you home?!?! My spring break is almost over, I have four more days to go. Haha...spring break...rest....right ok. But even though my spring break wasn't what I expected, I learned from the things I looked over. I learned to learn, to appreciate, just realizing the small things...man I feel so stupid just to overlook the small things I do everyday. Just talking to new people, and the people I don't normally talk to....makes me feel alive again. Makes me feel so weird too haha. I've been living a life that I don't really enjoy, a life that I've lost interest in. I feel so selfish saying that, but I go to school mon-fri then church sat-sun. I don't go out much, to the mall anywhere. I do enjoy being a christian and going to church, but lately I go to church out of responsibility...not out of my heart. This week, spring break has made me realize what I used to love, who I am, what I want. I feel so free, I feel so warm and alive haha. I picked up my bible today and fasted for dinner, honestly for the first couple verses I was just reading. In one ear, out the other. They were just words, but then I really put my mind to the verses. Difficult to explain, but I guess you could say I was touched by Grace, and Hope was holding my hand. My sense of indiviuality returned, my sense of true happiness returned. Before I read the bible, I looked outside and though " The moon is pretty...like yesterday..." After I read the bible I looked out and saw the same moon and though " Thank you Lord, for my life, every breath, love....The moon is God's beautiful creation as am I." I am thankful for my sister, parents, friends, new encounters and my life. I never want to lose myself again. Thank you God for this opportunity.