I missed it

Lately, I've been wound up in all these things SAT's, AP Tests, grades...everything that seems insignificant to me. I am lost once again. Normally, around this time of year, the cherry blossoms bloom beautifully on my tree in front of ym house. My parents think it is a nuisance to have to clean up all the petals that drop. However, this year I sort of...missed them... The only thing I remember is telling myself " Look the buds are coming out," and today I'm telling myself...they're gone. How could I miss such beauty that is right in front of me? I guess i never really acknowledged the blossom's presence this year. I am focusing on things that are only letters to me. SAT's and AP's...unnecessary. Yet I do it to please my parents. I'm at a loss of words...I see my friends at church growing closer while i isolate myself to study. At school I don't regularly hang out with the people out of school. I'm missing my youth time I guess. This feeling hasn't left me for a while. I've drifted apart from God. Prayer is no longer the base of my life anymore and I hate to admit it but I'm so lonely. I feel...empty. I feel so insignificant. I feel pathetic. I feel like I no longer belong....well that's a bit too extreme, but I feel as if I'm a bird on the ground....staring at the blue sky. The blue seems to almost make my eyes into a clear sky blue. Clouds, that look as if they could be squished. My natural habitat, the sky. But...I can't get up there. No matter how hard I try to fly into the clouds, around the clouds, just to taste the blue I can't. What am I looking for? What have I missed? Unsatisfied. Thirsty. Hungry. God is calling me......... there's no answer yet

Quote from Life Lessons

" If we ask the universe to make us more loving, it may not send loving people to us. Instead, it may bring hard-to-love people into our lives. As we struggle to deal with these people, we have the opportunity to become more loving..." - Life Lessons by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler
One of my favorite books...It is really life changing

Passion Week

This week is my spring break, and I was hoping to get some rest from school, stress, family, from the world haha. Instead I get stressed out parents, church stuff, and take home school work. What is the point of spring break when all school is going to follow you home?!?! My spring break is almost over, I have four more days to go. Haha...spring break...rest....right ok. But even though my spring break wasn't what I expected, I learned from the things I looked over. I learned to learn, to appreciate, just realizing the small things...man I feel so stupid just to overlook the small things I do everyday. Just talking to new people, and the people I don't normally talk to....makes me feel alive again. Makes me feel so weird too haha. I've been living a life that I don't really enjoy, a life that I've lost interest in. I feel so selfish saying that, but I go to school mon-fri then church sat-sun. I don't go out much, to the mall anywhere. I do enjoy being a christian and going to church, but lately I go to church out of responsibility...not out of my heart. This week, spring break has made me realize what I used to love, who I am, what I want. I feel so free, I feel so warm and alive haha. I picked up my bible today and fasted for dinner, honestly for the first couple verses I was just reading. In one ear, out the other. They were just words, but then I really put my mind to the verses. Difficult to explain, but I guess you could say I was touched by Grace, and Hope was holding my hand. My sense of indiviuality returned, my sense of true happiness returned. Before I read the bible, I looked outside and though " The moon is pretty...like yesterday..." After I read the bible I looked out and saw the same moon and though " Thank you Lord, for my life, every breath, love....The moon is God's beautiful creation as am I." I am thankful for my sister, parents, friends, new encounters and my life. I never want to lose myself again. Thank you God for this opportunity.